When I was born I was so surprised, I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom.

Only drug dealers and software companies call their customers 'users'.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Would you like to hear the pencil joke? Well, it's pointless.

Source: GigglePedia

ha-ha, some good ones there

Brilliant!