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Know Any Good Jokes? - Printable Version

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Know Any Good Jokes? - forwardone - 02-26-2007 02:57 PM

Post any good (but reasonably clean) jokes in this thread.


RE: Know Any Good Jokes? - forwardone - 02-26-2007 02:58 PM

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."

She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"

He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

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MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.

"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.

"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.

"Caught anything?"

"Ach, nae a bite,"

"What are ye usin' fer bait?"

"Worms"

"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.

MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.

"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.

"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat"

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It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: "Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,"Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time."And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, "I don't understand it!" The young beauty answered, "Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck."

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Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".


RE: Know Any Good Jokes? - forwardone - 04-30-2007 09:46 AM

No one have any jokes to post?


RE: Know Any Good Jokes? - Rixzta - 04-30-2007 10:06 AM

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties:

Terry had married an Irish woman, and bragged that he had told his wife
she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to
be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the
third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed
and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Japan. He bragged that he had given
his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper. Icon_eek